Pire ride again across a grassy green spot
by HP Hood
Summary: Caution contains words you may not like. Otherwise the pires find the crew of the BBC's Red Dwarf and Oh my


Disclaimer: Sadly and tragically I do not own the characters from Red Dwarf. *sigh* Fortunately I do own the Pires so…YO HO!!!

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CAUTION: THE STORY BELOW CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE WHICH MIGHT UPSET THOSE NOT USED TO IT. FORTUNATELY THE LANGUAGE ONLY CONSISTS OF THREE WORDS. OH AND THE EACH PARAGRAPH IS ONE LONG SENTENCE.

Ok, *sex* so once *sex* the pires *sex* were having *sex* a great *sex* day, when *sex* the hooded peanutpire *sex* felt a *sex* strong pull *sex* to run *sex* randomly through *sex* (oh you get the point) the forest completely naked except for her hood which she always wore and refused to take off even when bathing or when she was 'around' men, now the michellepire had decided to run through the streets fully clothed in her winter outfit when she suddenly ran right off the edge of Pire world (which isn't difficult as Pire world is shaped like a cookie during certain phases of the moon) and found herself floating through space, luckily she had her new thermal underwear, suddenly she bumped right into a flying green bug and it nearly took her head off which made her angry so she kicked it causing to fly out of control and land in the sea of chocolate, meanwhile the juliepire was running around in a very large circle screaming because one of her six hairs had fallen off and she thought it meant that the world was ended, she ran so fast and so far that she crashed into the hooded peanutpire who screamed in terror because a juliepire with only five hairs is a frightening thing.

The Terumiwitch was sadly still lacking herself as she had become an amorphous blob capable of making cheese in under five seconds, which is a good thing if you are hungry, meanwhile the hooded peanutpire smelled something burning and to her horror it smelled like chocolate so away she raced in her mud puddle to see what the hell was going on but she was sidetracked by a pie which obviously wanted to be eaten so she stopped and ate it, it was good so when she moved on she was feeling full and stopped for a second to get a drink of vodka which helped clear things up nicely.

Meanwhile the michellepire was startled to discover that there were people inside the Green Starbug and she was amazed, really and truly amazed so she fell right in the open hatch and landed on the Cat, who was startled to say the least and broke into a song right then.

*Girl you make me tongue-tied…*

Now this song was literal as the michellepire had actually tied his tongue into a knot and he made absolutely no sense when he tried to talk until he managed by wriggling in a most provocative manner to get her to take out he knot at which point he started to exclaim how sexy he was and fine and hot and smooth and all those other adjectives which describe an incredibly vain specimen of maleness, at which point the michellepire clobbered him over the head with a handy frying pan and set off to explore the ship as it was a 'new' thing and deserved to be explored right then, and as she walked she came upon a thing and that thing was called Rimmer.

Now the hooded peanutpire had finally discovered the source of the smell of burned chocolate and needless to say was horrified at the waste of precious chocolate and set off to discover who had done this heinous thing so off she went with a tweedle dee and she ran headlong into Starbug which protested loudly as it shifted further into the sea of chocolate, she was disturbed and climbed to the top of the craft because it was up (and as everyone knows up is the pires favorite direction-their call "up up, always up"- needless to say this can be taken in many ways) and when she reached the top she fell into Starbug, landed on Cat, thought he was an interesting creature and proceeded to 'enjoy' herself thoroughly with the man who thought he had died and gone to kitty heaven, but no he was only on Pire world with a ravishing creature who was wearing a hood, and only a hood, a red hood at that.

Now that thing which the michellepire had discovered, that thing called Rimmer, was annoyed at being disturbed as he was engaged in his favorite pastime-eating Gaspacho soup- and thus threw the michellepire out the nearest hatch before realizing that she was a woman and one which did not screech in horror at his face and personality, no indeed the michellepire thought he was intriguing and decided to turn him over to the Terumiwitch for scientific study, which was done and that thing known as Rimmer was deliriously happy with the 'treatment' given him by the Terumiwitch, meanwhile the michellepire was still looking for something enjoyable when she came upon the man known as Lister.

Instantly the michellepire fell in love with Lister (who said smegging hell as few times) but was interrupted by some annoying bimbo called Kochanski who the michellepire knew-HAD TO GO- anyway the michellepire called an emergency meeting of all the pires and they threw Kochanski to the katydids-which were displeased by the present- and the michellepire introduced Lister to the joys of being a man in Pire world and Lister was happy and Cat was happy (true he didn't have twelve women to make him happy but four pires are more than enough for anyone) and Rimmer was in heaven. 

Thus Holly found his true vocation as a bed washer and general clean upper as Kryten lived to the end of his days milking cows so the Terumiwitch could make cheese.

END Or as they say in Pire World------To be continued at some future point when the author gets around to it as she is very bust and has no time to do anything except study because someone told her college was important-Duh.


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